thoughts on thursday

today we bought tickets for the katy perry concert in salt lake on september 29th. i logged on for the facebook presale kind of on a whim, and i lucked out and found fairly good seats at a fairly good price. i literally could barely contain my excitement at work (yes, i took ten minutes at work to buy katy perry tickets. time theft? hopefully not.), so when somebody eventually asked me how i was doing, i blurted out that i'm going to the concert, just two weeks after we see one direction in los angeles. and my coworker said, you're really living the teenage dream, huh? and i was like you have no idea.

i went to institute with abby at the u on tuesday. i felt like a traitor. it was still pretty good though.

my room is pretty much done, for reals. look out for a room tour post soon. i'm pretty happy about it all, especially since there was so much that i ended up doing myself/with the help of others. i found this quote that has been inspiring me through this process:

if you wait until you have enough money to decorate and make your home your own it will never happen. if you wait until you can afford to buy everything new you are missing the point. it is the old, the new, the made, the hand-me-down, the collected, the worn (but loved) things in your home that make it your own. {stacy risenmay}

i am really proud of the made pieces in my room, from the embroidery to the headboard to the ikea nightstand that i am taking full credit for (i spent three hours building it--it was made by me). i also love the new things i got, like my bedding and my salty bison sign that i loooooove. and i revamped some of the old things i had. i'm in the market for more awesome hand-me-downs, though. i just saw one of my friends who inherited a sweet wingback chair from her grandma--i could really use a chair, people. and our house is in need of a couch. help a sister out.

and, in conclusion: i had no idea how much i missed sherlock until i was finally watching sherlock again tonight. seriously. but i'm still unsure how benedict cumberbatch could be both so sexy and also weirdly weird-looking at the same time. ah well. people probably say the same about me.

kinda weird, right? a little alien-esque.

but here? super sexy. it's also his voice, though, too. i guess he needs to be experienced with multiple senses. not in a weird way.

and this for good measure

gotta love that anne shirley :)

it's been a tough day

blessed

the other night, as i was saying my prayers, i was thinking about how grateful i am to be a part of the true church and to have a knowledge of the true gospel. i have so many amazing blessings because of these truths. sometimes, at times like this, i start to wonder how it is that i could be so lucky. out of all the churches and all the belief systems, i am a member of the only true one, born into this restored church of Jesus Christ? it seems unbelievable.

then the thought process usually goes like this: what if this is all just a big hoax? what if, at the end of everything, nothing is the way we think it will be and we're all just floating out in the ether, alone? what if our leaders have either been deceived themselves or are deceiving all of us? what if it isn't true?

but then i remember: i know it's true. i've felt it, over and over again. i know the gospel is true, and this is the only true church. i know our leaders are inspired and that they commune with God. i know that i can also receive revelation and comfort and forgiveness and companionship and knowledge. it's true. i know it.

this became a classic quote as soon as president uchtdorf said it last saturday, but that doesn't make it any less true or relevant.

hold to what you know--there is great power in faith, even just a tiny amount. i know that exercising faith leads to more faith and more knowledge, and that's how i know it's all true.

friends and Christianity

 i found this quote yesterday and i think it's pretty cool.

"In Friendship…we think we have chosen our peer. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting—any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances.

A secret Master of Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends “You have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.” The Friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of others."

--C.S. Lewis

 interesting thought, right? i've often felt like certain people come into my life at a certain point for a certain reason, partly so that i can learn from their goodness. happy wednesday :)

the impossible

i've been thinking lately about the idea of impossibility. one of my favorite scriptures is luke 1: 37. i love it for its simplicity:

for with God nothing shall be impossible.

this comes in reference to the immaculate conception, so yeah, i believe that, with God, nothing is impossible. He can do anything--move mountains, calm oceans, raise the dead. i fully believe that miracles happen.

it's harder for me to believe this when it comes to my own life, my own problems, my own worries. i know, theoretically, that, if i rely on God, i can do anything. but it's a lot more difficult in practice. i know that i have limitations, some which i don't even understand, and those limitations let all my self-doubts and fears creep in. i start to think that those things that i want to do are impossible, that i can't be helped.

i'm ready to change my attitude about impossible things actually being possible. the first step is an unshakable belief, right?

Jesus said unto [me], If thou canst believe, all things are possible to [her] that believeth.

self-discipline

i set some very specific goals for myself this week, like going to bed at a reasonable time and waking up early and not eating out or eating treats (it turns out that not having ice cream means i just want something else to satisfy my sweet tooth...go figure). they are more specific than this, but the details don't really matter.

anyway, the point is that i haven't been perfect, but i've been pretty good. and i feel good about it. i feel good about myself for making some progress in the realm of self-discipline.

i've had elder maxwell's article, "becoming a disciple," in mind for a few months now. his words are the inspiration for my zest for self-discipline (long quote, but worth it):

     Denying oneself has never been popular as a lifestyle, and it is clearly not today. Self-denial is portrayed by many as too puritanical and too ascetic. Scoffers have acquired powerful pulpits from which they bray their message, which constantly puts down discipleship and encourages the natural man to think highly of himself and to please himself.

     What is it that we are to deny ourselves? The ascendancy of any appetites or actions which produce not only the seven deadly sins but all the others. Happily, self-denial, when we practice it, brings great relief. It represents emancipation from all the “morning after” feelings, whether caused by adultery or gluttony. Being concerned with tomorrow, true disciples are very careful about today! Self denial also includes not letting our hearts become too set on any trivial or worldly thing. Then we can learn the great lessons about the relationship of righteousness to the powers and the joys of heaven.

     The fundamental fact is that if we do not deny ourselves, we are diverted. Even if not wholly consumed with the things of the world, we are still diverted sufficiently to make serious discipleship impossible. As a consequence, all the gifts and talents God has given us are not put meekly on the altar to serve others and to please God. Instead, we withhold to please ourselves. Diversion, therefore, is not necessarily gross transgression, but it is a genuine deprivation, especially if we consider what we might have become and what more we might have done to bless and to help others.

though i have problems and temptations to deal with, i don't think i have huge issues with some of the things he mentions here. but i love that bolded line. the fact is, i am diverted from my true purposes a lot of the time, spiritual, educational, professional, social, physical. so i'm practicing self-denial for those things that do challenge me.

need and want

“to crave and to have are as like as a thing and its shadow. for when does a berry break upon the tongue as sweetly as when one longs to taste it, and when is the taste refracted into so many hues and savors of ripeness and earth, and when do our senses know any thing so utterly as when we lack it? and here again is a foreshadowing -- the world will be made whole. for to wish for a hand on one's hair is all but to feel it. so whatever we may lose, very craving gives it back to us again.”

marilynne robinson, housekeeping

 i don't consider myself a super needy person. i've always been fine with eating lunch alone or going to the movies by myself or just hanging out at home on a friday night. maybe this is partly a result of circumstance, but it's never bothered me all that much. i'm mostly okay on my own. but sometimes, i just want to be needed, you know?
 

“having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. ”

margaret mead

this isn't meant to invite pity; i've just been thinking about the ideas of need and want lately. i feel like showing someone you need and/or want them in your life is part of being a good friend or potentially more than a friend. if that need is eventually fulfilled, does that mean that the relationship is over? it seems to me that if you don't need or want (i think of these two terms as kind of interchangeable, but i'm still trying to decide if they are significantly different.) a person anymore, something either needs to change or to end. 

i struggle with this, because it usually seems to me that time and experience and subsequent investment in a friendship (or whatever) would just create need/want that has some kind of enduring power. but i guess that's not the case? and i'm all about moving with the cheese, so it's something i need to just deal with. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when you realize you are not needed or wanted anymore.

eponine deals with this same feeling: "without me, his world will go on turning."

i feel you, eponine.

a quick word

the first key to writing is to WRITE, 

not to THINK.

finding forrester

amen to that

i've thought a lot about this lately. i think the fairy tale ideal says that love is firecrackers--that it is so intense and explosive and quick-burning that there is nothing else you can think about. maybe for some people it is like this. but i also wonder if sometimes, while i am expecting this firework kind of love, i'm missing out on the soft, slow-burning stuff, the love that slowly and imperceptibly builds and builds, that is also actually really great, too. i wonder if i get caught up in the romantic comedy type of love and forget that that is not always reality.

on a somewhat related note, i was talking to someone the other day about (what else?) dating, and she said that she never expected to be the one that would have to chase the guy. having almost always been someone in that same position, i could relate. it wold be nice if the guy was chasing you and you knew for sure that he was all in it. but i've been thinking: does it really matter the details of the courtship/how things unfold as long as it all has the same result, meaning, for us young single adults, temple marriage? i have to believe that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter whether it took you guys six months to actually start dating or whether you were more interested in him at first than he was in you or whether your first kiss was awkward or whatever. if the end is true, committed, deep love, i feel like it doesn't matter a whole lot how you got there. i think too much of my time is spent worrying about how the dating stuff happens, "the game", if you will, when i'm becoming less and less sure that that stuff is really of much consequence at all. i'm not sure if that last sentence made much sense, but i don't really care at this point. :)

so those are my thoughts on love for today. doesn't that soft love just sound really nice?

hope

a few weeks ago i taught an institute class on hope. this is a topic i've thought a lot about in the past couple years, and my study was sparked by president uchtdorf's talk "the infinite power of hope," which became the basis for my lesson. i've had this little post waiting for weeks, so i decided to finally share a couple of my favorite quotes from the lesson.

The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear.  President Uchtdorf

With Nephi I declare: “Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”

This is the quality of hope we must cherish and develop. Such a mature hope comes in and through our Savior Jesus Christ, for “every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as [the Savior] is pure.”  President Uchtdorf

Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.  James E. Faust

And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.  President Uchtdorf

on embracing your weirdness

i've had several conversations with people about this lately, and i feel like i can finally contribute something to my blog.

i always thought that, if i wasn't successful in dating, which i have to admit has been the case for basically all of my adult life, that meant there was something wrong with me, something that i needed to change about myself. when i say change here, i mean change some of my personality traits, like i thought maybe i needed to be different, be more flirty or laugh less loudly or like different things. i believed that there must be something about me that was holding me back.

as i've gotten older, i've gotten away from that, at least when i think about myself and dating. i've come to believe that it is more a matter of timing than of having to change yourself in order to be more "dateable." i realized that i don't need to try to be anyone else when i'm actually pretty awesome in my own right. now i just need to find the guy who also thinks that.

but it recently came to my attention that i still apply my former flawed logic, that not dating means you need to change something about your personality, to other people. i know a couple people who are very awkward, to the point that it is sometimes hard to be around them. and all this time i've been thinking that, if only they could get over that and be different, change something that is such an inherent part of them, they'd be so great and people would for sure want to date them. and how lame is that of me? i remembered, again, that it's all about timing, finding the right person at the right time. so, that guy who bugs me--i need to remember that he's not for me, and that's okay, but there is someone out there who will love all of him and embrace all of that stuff that drives me crazy.

my comrades (the people i talked to about this issue) and i did decide, though, that there is something to be said for bettering yourself. we hear about aligning our lives with that of the Savior, and that is where self-improvement takes place. there might not be one ideal personality, but there is one true way to live your life. we can always be working to develop the attributes that are embodied in Jesus Christ. as one of my friends put it, the change is principle-based rather than trait-based. i know one person who had a reputation for being kind of mean and cold, and i think this person realized that was holding him or her back from being really happy. so, this person consciously worked to become more positive and friendly. and the change was amazing. i don't know for sure, but i think this person really did get happier and, to a degree, more successful in dating, or at least more confident that everything works out eventually.

to sum up: i'm not going to expect people to change their personalities anymore, and i'm going to keep reminding myself that there will be someone someday who is willing to accept all my weird things. that's one of my worries, too, that guys will think my weird things are too weird and won't be able to get over that i don't drink juice or that i can't even look at snakes. but that's dumb, because there is someone for everyone, no matter how trite that sounds. and, i'm going to keep doing the things i can to become more like Christ--the only way to be truly happy, with or without a man.

i'll end this with one of my favorite quotes. i can't remember if i've posted it before or not, but it's too perfect for this subject to not share again.

that dr. seuss, he really knew what he was talking about.

best compliment ever

student: do you watch the office?
me: i do.
student:...pam beesly...
me: haha yeah
student: [nodding] yeah, i can see it. you're cool like pam.

almost as awesome as when i heard a neighbor shouting out of his house last night around ten: "hey, what setting do i put it on to dry a full load of garments in one shot?"

some thoughts on fear and faith

obviously i need a little pick-me-up these days :)

quotes to get me (and maybe you) through finals and beyond

Perseverance is a positive, active characteristic. It is not idly, passively waiting and hoping for some good thing to happen. It gives us hope by helping us realize that the righteous suffer no failure except in giving up and no longer trying.  {Joseph B. Wirthlin}

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all, and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy. {Og Mandino}

We must not give up hope. We must not stop striving. We are children of God, and it is possible for us to become what our Heavenly Father would have us become. {Dallin H. Oaks}

Sometimes the decisions are so difficult that we are tempted to stop choosing and just do everything—or nothing. But am excellent person is in touch with his motives, and he can use his own judgment along with the counsel of good leaders and of the Holy Ghost to help him make his choices. {Donlu DeWitt Thayer}

 *quotes found in my byu freshman mentoring planner in four consecutive weeks. i think someone's looking out for me.

the real joy of living

as i was reading president monson's biography (which is awesome, by the way) the other night, this quote from president david o. mckay stood out to me:

"the true end of life is not mere existence. the true purpose of life is the perfection of humanity through individual effort, under the guidance of God's inspiration. real like is response to the best within us. to be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, and not to goodness and kindness, purity and love, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hopes, is to deprive one's self of the real joy of living."

how beautiful! and what a lovely reminder that i need to recognize where true joy resides.

doesn't this look like a man who knows what true happiness is all about? i think so.