burned out

obviously, i'm in school, so i have to do school work.
reading countless books and articles, writing papers and other such things, participating in class, highlighting, underlining, hand raising, laughing at the professor's jokes (okay, sometimes that isn't really work), annotating, trying to think of something intelligent to say, trying to think of something intelligent to write, going to meetings, printing things, copying things, checking things out from the library, researching. etcetera.
it all gets a little tiring sometimes.

sometimes i think about what would happen if i just left school and went and...this is where it gets dicey. what would i do? try to find a job? travel around europe? go live with my parents? (no. i'm not going to be one of THOSE kids.) just read and read every day for the rest of my life?

so, i'm not going to quit school, but there are some days where i really wish i had nothing else to do but read, watch the office, write in my journal, laugh with friends, and eat good food.

confession: some days i end up doing this. i think i would go insane if i didn't.

the point is, even though it seems like it would be so much better if i could just abandon school, all i need is a little distraction every once in awhile and i can get through it. in the long run, i think i will be glad that i have done this master's program, though it has shown me how i DON'T want to live the rest of my life. 

and, there really are some bright spots in my life right now. 

one. i love my students a lot. they are pretty great. they tell me nice things like how i have the perfect name for a writing teacher and how i let them come to their own conclusions and they like that. and they are funny and text me on my birthday and tell me about their weekends and crazy blind date stories. and they write pretty darn well.

two. i have two new (well, kind of new) besties who are awesome and i love and with whom i am taking a trip to california over reading days. this week has been sadly lacking in hang out time, girls, but we will make up for it next week. 

three. this will perpetually be on my list: the office.

four. arcade fire, the avett brothers, a fine frenzy, and, always, always, always, hanson.

five. letters and emails from hilarious and inspiring boys. 

six. sister/sibling weekend. and stake conference, which means not only spiritual enlightenment (when i typed "enlightenment", it first came out "english" :)), but also a break in meetings and...possible sunday nap?

that's all i can think of right now, but pretty good list, right?

life is good, even when it is hard and i don't want to do the things i have to do. it's all worth it!

we are products of our circumstances

i just finished this book:

it was actually really enlightening. gladwell talks about how every "talented" or "successful" person is that way because of some extraordinary opportunities that have presented themselves in his or her life. we often think that people like bill gates are so successful because they are super talented or smart, and that is usually a part of it--you can't get very far in your chosen field without some degree of innate talent or aptitude--but it's only a part. the rest of the road to success is paved with a series of seemingly unrelated lucky breaks.

this is really fascinating to me. i mean, the beatles were talented. but they might not have become the beatles and had the same sort of influence on music if they hadn't taken several gigs in hamburg where they had to play for eight hours straight every night. and, maybe part of the reason asians are so good at math is because their number words only take a quarter of a second to say instead of a third like they do in english. 

it is interesting to me that we try to give our own explanations for things that are usually way more simplified than they should be. in reality, we are always influenced by many, many things--cultural legacy, language, random events, history, education, genes. all of these things shape our destiny.

i wonder whether outlier-like things have happened to me in my life and i just haven't recognized that something that happened to me was totally random and actually made a huge impact. 

or maybe i'm just one of those people who just missed the golden opportunity. i kind of hope not.

twenty-three and a surreal weekend

so, i'm twenty-three now. it's good i guess. i just never really thought i'd get this far, you know? you think about reaching 21, because it's "so huge," and then 22 just comes after that. but 23 is something of a mystery. 

but, the only thing there is to do is plan for this to be the best year ever. 

i'm off to a good start--last weekend was pretty epic.

it really began on wednesday when we went to the graduate symposium on faith and knowledge. it was pretty cool. the food was good (and weird, at points) and the company was even better. after the dinner we went back to rebecca and carolyn's to make cookies and/or watch the office and pushing daisies. amazing pajamas were worn, including a legendary combination lock t-shirt. 

on thursday things started to get interesting. after dinner group and early birthday brownies, we went to a ward activity. the magic really began, however, when we realized that none of had to get up for anything early in the morning. Enter: sleepover madness and Fort. 

it took us about an hour longer than we thought it would to construct, but, with the help of several household appliances, various sheets, and a little English major ingenuity, we built the most superb fort ever. 

BEHOLD!!!

please notice carolyn's face in the bottom right corner. priceless.

a view of the inner sanctum

we spent the whole weekend hanging out in Fort, and every time we were away, we wished we were back.

but anyway, so we got up on friday morning  (though carolyn and rebecca were lame and slept in their BEDS) and went to kneaders, proprietor of delicious all-you-can-eat french toast. 

friday night we went to the cougarettes concert, as i am something of a cougarettes stalker connoisseur. it was amazing and made us want to dance all night long/learn this dance:

 here are some pictures of us at dinner at the always yummy los hermanos and at the show:

it was lovely. then we went back and hung out in Fort some more. we planned to play games or something but we just ended up talking and giggling. sometimes girl friends are the best.

saturday and sunday were pretty low key. having your birthday on a sunday is weird, but oh well. i did get to go home and have a scrumptious salmon dinner (much to meredith's chagrin) and double cream lemon pie. 

on monday i did a lot of shopping. here is what i bought. i love every single thing.

• two pairs of shoes (i tried to upload pictures, but it was taking too long and i was impatient. trust me, they are awesome.) one pair glitter, one pair black. with glitter.
• new dinner plates with gorgeous blue and white designs. i might be a little obsessed.
• two cardigans (my guilty pleasure). one navy, one gray.
• two striped shirts that are so soft.
• two t-shirts that have beautiful designs and are so soft.

we took a trip to the tanger outlets in park city and they were good to me. carolyn bought a crazy hat that i wish i had a picture for. 

monday night we went to a president's day dance party that was revealing in more ways than one. i decided that a dance party is the correct way to end every weekend. all in favor of instituting sunday night dance parties, say aye.

but then we had to go back to real life. but still, good times.

i really miss Fort. i hope we bring him (her?) back this weekend.

i'm too old for this

today i sent off a missionary for the first time. i'm about four years too late for that, but oh well.
IT WAS SO HARD!!! i was really unprepared for how sad i would be that i won't get to actually talk to him for two years. but i was. it was tough. now i know what all those freshman girls were feeling when they said goodbye to their cute little pre-mission boys.
obviously, i know he is doing the right thing and that a mission will be so amazing for him. also, he's only 19, so he could definitely use maturing in some areas. i can't wait to hear how hard it is for him to go to bed and wake up early :)
here's a picture of us from last weekend when i went to his farewell.

we make goofy faces. without consulting each other. and i'd also like to point out that i picked out his tie. super spiffy, no?

i'm really going to miss quoting the office, watching crazy youtube videos, talking about pretty much every subject in the world, and speaking in random accents. but i can't wait to see how he grows and matures and serves the lucky people of mexico.

and now, i'd like to share some of the best texts and/or lines from messages that i have gotten from john. that boy is definitely one of a kind. (original spelling has been preserved)

mmmm idk why but chocolate syrup covered taquitos are dang good!

i danced to the hamster dance in 2nd grade that song changed my life.

i blow sexy kisses at danger and then say no when it asks me on a date.

i also specialize in aromatherapy...you just got nard-dogged!

TOLDJAH!

hahaha ;) ima miss quoting the office wich youse sis.

yessss haha jk what do I smell like? Beautiful roses dipped in honeysuckle goodness?

just think your giving the house tour and you come to a window overlooking your lawn and yo like, "there's my lawn and WOH SASQUATCH aha just kidding i bought him"

there are more gems, but that's probably enough for now. i'm going to miss you a ton, elder hansen! see you in two years!

what i'm thinking today: valentine's edition

so obviously i'm thinking a lot about love. although, living in provo, it sometimes seems like love is a constant topic of discussion and thought, which makes valentine's day not that unique, really. but anyway, love.

i think i've been in love, but i'm not sure. at least, i thought it was love at the time. like i only really felt complete when i was with that person, and every time i was away from them it physically hurt. i wanted to do things to make the person happy, and i wanted him to see that i needed him in order to be truly happy. i think that's kinda like love.

but the catch is that i don't think anyone has ever been in love with me or loved me back. no one that i know of, in any case. for the most part, i'm fine with that. i've realized that most of the guys i've loved weren't "the one", whatever that means. but still, i put sooooooo much work into trying to be lovable/loving the person that every time i realize they don't think of me that way, i'm heartbroken. another wasted effort. 

last night i was talking to one of my really good friends, and we were discussing this issue. i was complaining about how ridiculous it is that there is such crazy pressure to date and get married here, and i'm not even 23. i was saying that i just want to fast forward my life to when i'm married and have a family, if only so i know that i will be married someday. and this sweet 19 year old boy said to me, "you're going to get married, so just stop worrying about it. this is the time to enjoy your life." 

i know that's true--i just need to be reminded every once in awhile. life isn't just dating; if i focus on making my life the best it can be, everything else will just fall in to place. i don't need to be dating someone to be happy. 

that being said, happy valentine's day, whether you have someone or not. i'm looking forward to spending tonight with great friends, laughing and eating and writing bad love poetry.

here's an awesome quote from one of my favorite talks, president uchtdorf's 2009 ces fireside address called "the reflection in the water":

Sometimes it can be difficult to see anything beyond the path immediately before us. We are impatient and do not want to wait for a future fulfillment of our greatest desires. Nevertheless, the brief span of this life is nothing in comparison with eternity. And if only we can hope and exercise faith and joyfully endure to the end—and I say joyfully endure to the end—there, in that great heavenly future, we will have the fulfillment of the righteous desires of our hearts and so very much more that we can scarcely comprehend now.
In the meantime, do not wait for someone else to make your life complete. Stop second-guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective. Instead, seek to reach your potential as a child of God. Seek learning. Become engaged in a meaningful career, and seek fulfillment in service to others. Use your time, your talents, and your resources to improve yourself and bless those around you. All of this is part of your preparation for having a family. Immerse yourself in your ward or branch and seek to magnify your callings, no matter what they may be.
The great purpose of this mortal existence is to learn to fully love our Heavenly Father and our neighbor as ourselves. If we do this with all our might, mind, and strength, our eternal destiny will be glorious and grand beyond our capacity to imagine. Be faithful, and things will work out for you. That is His eternal promise to all who love and honor Him.

the best month

maybe it's because my birthday is in february (okay, it's definitely because my birthday's in february), but i have always loved this month, and i've long felt it was a little underappreciated. just because a month is a little shorter than the rest doesn't mean it shouldn't get some lovin'. 

and, i guess february can be pretty dreary because it's like winter is starting to leave and spring is starting to come, but neither of them are quite in control so the weather is still cold but sometimes the sun comes out and teases you so you think you can get away with not wearing a winter coat. rocking sunglasses and gloves at the same time is a pretty weird sensation. and the bad weather sometimes leads to the grumpies. but it isn't february's fault that it is part of WINTER.

february is great. it's a month of love, celebrating black history (who doesn't love that?), presidents' birthdays, groundhog appreciation, and the occasional, exhilarating leap day. it is awesome. 

in other news, i'm going to san diego tomorrow. february will be even better in sunny southern california :)

shake your groove thang

i'm a little obsessed with zumba. i've always had a thing for aerobics. call me crazy, but i don't like to exercise unless it is fun, so aerobics (aka dancing while occasionally lifting weights to good music) is basically the only way i like to do it, unless i'm in the (rare) mood for hip hop abs. 

but, zumba is perhaps even better than basic aerobics. the simple description is "aerobics with latin dance moves," and a pretty huge part of latin dance is shaking your hips. it's a little awkward at first, especially since we're in a huge room of girls and sometimes creepers watch from the windows above, but for the most part it is awesome. when else would you get to shake your money maker with the knowledge that you are also shaking away the calories? i submit that there is no other time. 

i love zumba. a lot. i love that i feel cute and flirty while i'm doing it, which doesn't really make sense since i actually look frumpy and sweaty. but it just makes me happy, and i should probably keep doing things that make me happy. good rule of thumb.