writing process

some days the words come easily to me. almost too easily. i have to write for pages and pages in excruciating detail to make sure i get everything down, to make sure i remember it all for future reference. it is those days that fill up my journal in three months, that make sure i describe every moment, every feeling, because i am too afraid that it will soon be gone from my memory.

but then there are other days when the thought of putting it all into words, pen to paper, makes me feel nauseous, and i don't know if it's because the events themselves are too painful or too fresh, or if it's because i'll never forget how this feels. the writing, the preserving, the recording, won't help me to recall because i always will. the confusion, the joy, the surety, the eventual peace.

but i still carry my journal with me everywhere, because maybe the words will come soon, and i need to be ready.

morning outing

yesterday i woke up feeling restless. this isn't exactly unique--i've been having weird sleeping patterns for the past couple weeks. but that day i woke up and wanted to go on a run, which is actually very unique for me. i'm not a runner.

but i got dressed, put on my running shoes, grabbed my ipod, and went on my merry way.

the run really turned into more of a brisk walk, but, with the yeah yeah yeahs as my soundtrack, i wandered around my little square of provo for about an hour. i got sprayed by sprinklers, i saw an adorable old man in suspenders watering his little garden, i saw the elementary school playground with the cool pirate ship we played on one night when no one came to night games, i saw a ton of cute houses that i wish i lived in, and then, finally, i scared jesse as he was pulling out of the driveway on his way to work. and he is still mad that i scared him so bad.

it was a lovely way to spend the morning. have i said lately how much i love summer?

status change

remember when facebook statuses had that compulsory "is"? like "Courtney Beesley is..." "Courtney Beesley is sincerely hoping that this all-nighter will be worth it." or, the classic "Courtney Beesley is sad :(" You always had to talk about yourself in the third person or else it didn't make sense, and your creativity was severely limited by the mundanity of "is" (i'm not sure if "mundanity" is a word, but it should be). it was such a revolution when they took out that pesky "is" and we could finally be direct about things, or at least utilize more than just a simple present tense to be verb.

i might be growing out of facebook a little, but i can't deny that it's had an impact on my life.

Courtney Beesley thanks facebook for that.

the great 'wich hunt: from my own kitchen

this isn't technically part of the search, and i'm not going to rate my own kitchen for menu readability and other such criteria. but, i did make a pretty awesome sandwich the other day, and i feel the need to share it with the blogging world.

the story: i am always on the lookout for good recipes on pinterest. one caught my eye a few weeks ago: 

doesn't that look so delicious?

the recipe: maybe one of the reasons i love sandwiches so much is that they are so easy to make. some would argue that this is the reason not to go out to sandwich places--you can usually make yourself a sandwich fairly easily. and sometimes i do get in that kind of mood, where i decide to just get all the yummy ingredients and do it myself. this sandwich features pesto, provolone (or mozzarella), spinach, sliced avocado, and goat cheese crumbles. just toss all that between two slices of bread, spread some butter on those two slices, and grill to melty perfection.

and here is the finished product. so delicious! though i did decide that, the next time i make this, i will add some bacon because 1) it needed a little touch of salty meatiness, and 2) bacon makes everything better.

so, another successful pinterest meal, and a sandwich that will undoubtedly keep me satisfied for years to come.

on living in provo

some days i can't stand living in provo. sometimes i can't believe how crazy this place is, how not-like-real-life it is. but some days i feel so incredibly lucky to be here, like i can't believe how many amazing experiences i've been able to have in this quirky little city.

today was one of the lucky times.

i was driving home from a wedding reception, down grandview drive, where the road curves and you can see all of the green tall trees in provo and a beautiful park with a stream running through it on the right. and then i looked up at the mountains, which i definitely take for granted, and their verdant majesty. and then i passed some of the spots i love: the hospital, with its cafe open all night, the little bridal store where i am currently employed, the brick oven, all of the places i've ever lived during college, the hammock where i spend my afternoons, the ramp i walked everyday for two years, the beautiful campus where i learned so much about life.

and then i started thinking about all the other provo spots of which i have cherished memories: the dollar theater, which has provided me endless hours of entertainment, helaman halls and the cosmo connection where i faithfully bought toilet paper and cinnamon toast crunch every week, various ice cream/frozen yogurt places around town, the temple, los hermanos, the south campus stream and trail, the rb, the manavu chapel, the tabernacle, denny's, the road leading up to seven peaks and that scary abandoned building, the miller lounge, our neighborhood costa vida, lavell edwards stadium, night games locales, the walk to smiths, smiths, thai village, various pools and hottubs around town, the orem in'n'out, the riverwoods, particularly la jolla groves and tucanos, but also the pavilion where we saw sugar ray last spring, the byu bookstore, the el salvadorean pupusa place on center, the university mall (technically in orem, but this is my list so oh well), the provo d.i., y mountain, fat cats, the taj basement, mike black's house, sammy's (i have a lot of memories at restaurants...), the sweet tooth fairy, the tree streets where i drove around for an hour trying to find nienie's house, the adorable yellow house on 7th north, the provo towne center red robin, the castle, the de jong concert hall, banana leaf, rock canyon park, where i watched tangled outside but also where i performed a scene from as you like it with my study abroad buddies.

there are a lot of things about provo that i love. and i might not want to live here forever, but for now, i need to remember that it is pretty awesome.

p.s. i don't know why the pictures are spaced weird. pictures in blogger is one of the things that gives me the most frustration in life. but, if you are interested, these photos are in, basically, chronological order of my time in provo, starting with the most recent and ending with one of my first pics of freshman year :)

what to do when you can't sleep

for whatever reason, i haven't been able to sleep through the night for the past couple weeks. i don't know if i'm reverting back to infancy or something, but it's starting to get frustrating that i wake up every night at least once, usually around 3 am. this morning a stupid text telling me i won a $1000 best buy gift card woke me up at 3:52 and then i was up for another 2 hours.

last saturday when i woke up at 4:45, i went out on the balcony. but there are some mornings when i can't do that. so here are some of the things that cross my mind as i'm lying awake thinking of things to do to at least make these wakeful hours productive.

push-ups/sit-ups. i might as well work out, right?
read. always has been my go-to, always will be.
go for a run. this is a little sketchy, and i never want to go on runs in real life, but your brain is a little addled at 3 in the morning.
clean. everything.
write in my journal.
go lay in the hammock. because maybe the swaying will put me to sleep?
crafts/art projects. i can never justify doing them during the day, so if i suddenly have a few extra hours, why not?
watch stuff on netflix. i've been meaning to watch bill cunningham new york.

this morning i opted to write in my journal. so, from 4:30 to 6:15, i recorded about 8 pages of recent experiences for posterity.

i'm starting to get worried, though. why can't i sleep? what should i do? i mean, i am trying to put the time to good purpose, but i think that sleep is generally a good purpose, am i right? any suggestions?

favorite songs at this moment

yeah yeah yeahs--"hysteric"

the avett brothers--"january wedding"