crushing

last year, i tried to make a comprehensive list of all the boys i've ever liked. this was right on the heels of 1) my essay class and 2) my reading of bossypants and is everyone hanging out without me?. i thought a list like this would be useful when i eventually write my autobiography/memoirs/collection of essays.

anyway, this list. it's pretty lengthy. it starts in kindergarten. i had a preschool crush but i can't remember his name, so i started things off with wally, who also has the distinction of being the only crush who ever made me bleed (thanks to slamming my face into the classroom floor...i guess i liked the bad boys back then). and, of course, the list comes up to the present. over half of my total crushes come from these crazy college years.

it's been a while since i had a really good crush. this is both a good thing and a not-so-good thing. on one hand, it means i can actually get things done. but on the prospects-for-marriage front, it's not really that fun.

at these times, i usually say to myself, you need a good crush to take your mind off of the crazy other stuff that is going on in your life.

and then, typically, the heavens are opened and i am blessed with a big ol' ginormous crush. prayers are answered, am i right?

but it is often a large case of "be-careful-what-you-wish-for"-itis, because a crush for me usually ends up taking over my life. i want to be with the person all the time, i'm thinking about him all the time, i hope he's thinking about me all or at least some of the time, i start to daydream about how it will be if/when we start dating. it can get a little overwhelming, for me and for the guy, if he ever knew.

a boy once told me that he didn't really have crushes. it was a foreign concept to him. this, in turn, was incomprehensible to me. how do you like someone then? what does it feel like when you think about that person? or do you not really think about them? does that mean you are so easily able to compartmentalize your feelings that your day-to-day life isn't really affected at all? thinking about it now, maybe he just hadn't found the person who would make him feel the flutter of a crush.

this is what came up when i googled "exhilarating." i think it sums things up pretty well.

i'm not sure if i'm that point again where i'm ready. i guess i can't really control it, but crushing on someone is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. maybe that crushless boy has all the luck.