reason #97 why i'm not meant to be single

i didn't really plan for this to be my valentine's post, but i guess it only makes sense :)

so, the reason: i hate driving. i feel okay about it when i'm out on the open road and no one is really around and you don't have to think so much, but otherwise, i really hate it. every time i think about driving myself somewhere, i have to think about how tricky it will be to get there or if the parking situation is difficult or if there will be a lot of cars on the road. it causes me a lot of anxiety--sometimes i won't go to a place because i know i will be too anxious. pretty much my biggest fear about moving to salt lake was that i would have to drive myself all over, and there are way more people in salt lake than there are in provo, which means way more cars i can crash into. it's probably a miracle that i've never been in a car accident, not because i'm a bad driver (although i don't think i'm great), but because i get so tense.

i'm not meant to be single because i probably won't be long for this life if i'm going to be left driving myself everywhere for the remainder of it.

or i guess maybe i just need a chauffeur? ;)

love letters

i like to call myself a writer sometimes. mostly this is because i have been an english major for so long and have written a lot, academically, but it's also because i just...like to write. i like to write in my journal, i like to write on my blog, i like to write the family christmas letter. i like to write people notes because i feel like i can say it better on paper than i could in person.

i've noticed that i also like to write letters to the guys i like at any given time of life, the really big crushes that took over my life. i've been reading through some of my old journals, and there are several instances where i wrote letters to my crushes instead of actually saying anything. for the most part, i didn't say anything to them because i was pretty sure they didn't like me back and, therefore, it would have been incredibly embarrassing for me to confess my undying love in any fashion. sometimes i wrote the letter just as an outlet for me, to clear up my own feelings and figure out what exactly i was thinking.

But I'm starting to come to a realization: you haven't forgotten about me, and I don't think you will anytime soon, not that I'll let you, though I did try that...and it didn't feel right. But I'm pretty sure you talk to me more than you talk to almost anyone else...

i guess i need to write it all out because my feelings/relationships/prospective relationships are almost always confusing. is that me, or is it just life? i don't know.

If you had any inkling that I was feeling like this, you'd probably run in the other direction. Believe me, I wish I wasn't.

i remember, in elementary school, all through my days at cesar chavez, i loved david apana. i knew his address, i knew his phone number (549-6785), i convinced my friends to three-way call him--i loved him. one day, i wrote him a letter expressing all of my most intense grade-school emotions, and before i could talk myself out of it, i put it in the mail (because i had his address memorized, of course.). almost immediately after the postman picked up our mail, i wished i had that revealing letter back. i mean, obviously it was an awesome letter with different colored pens and probably stickers and maybe some of my mom's perfume spritzed on. but, even though we are talking about snail mail here, i was putting myself in a vulnerable position.

i needn't have worried--nothing was ever said about the letter, so i have no idea if he ever even received it. of course, nothing ever happened between me and david, either, but that was probably for the best. since then, though, i've been more careful about wo i share my love letters with.

i like the written word. it's a way to be both personal and distanced at the same time. and that comes in handy when you are a girl with a lot of feelings and not a lot of guts.

crushing

last year, i tried to make a comprehensive list of all the boys i've ever liked. this was right on the heels of 1) my essay class and 2) my reading of bossypants and is everyone hanging out without me?. i thought a list like this would be useful when i eventually write my autobiography/memoirs/collection of essays.

anyway, this list. it's pretty lengthy. it starts in kindergarten. i had a preschool crush but i can't remember his name, so i started things off with wally, who also has the distinction of being the only crush who ever made me bleed (thanks to slamming my face into the classroom floor...i guess i liked the bad boys back then). and, of course, the list comes up to the present. over half of my total crushes come from these crazy college years.

it's been a while since i had a really good crush. this is both a good thing and a not-so-good thing. on one hand, it means i can actually get things done. but on the prospects-for-marriage front, it's not really that fun.

at these times, i usually say to myself, you need a good crush to take your mind off of the crazy other stuff that is going on in your life.

and then, typically, the heavens are opened and i am blessed with a big ol' ginormous crush. prayers are answered, am i right?

but it is often a large case of "be-careful-what-you-wish-for"-itis, because a crush for me usually ends up taking over my life. i want to be with the person all the time, i'm thinking about him all the time, i hope he's thinking about me all or at least some of the time, i start to daydream about how it will be if/when we start dating. it can get a little overwhelming, for me and for the guy, if he ever knew.

a boy once told me that he didn't really have crushes. it was a foreign concept to him. this, in turn, was incomprehensible to me. how do you like someone then? what does it feel like when you think about that person? or do you not really think about them? does that mean you are so easily able to compartmentalize your feelings that your day-to-day life isn't really affected at all? thinking about it now, maybe he just hadn't found the person who would make him feel the flutter of a crush.

this is what came up when i googled "exhilarating." i think it sums things up pretty well.

i'm not sure if i'm that point again where i'm ready. i guess i can't really control it, but crushing on someone is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. maybe that crushless boy has all the luck.

dating and parameters and such

i'm thinking about dating lately--what a surprise, right? it seems like everyday brings up some new weird situation or obstacle or straight-up huh? moment.

a couple sundays ago our stake had a fireside for all the women with sheri dew, who is awesome. i've heard her speak many times, and when i've heard her refer to her singleness and getting married, she usually talks about it in uncertain terms. i've heard her say that she hopes captain moroni is still single in the next life :) this time, however, she was certain: she said she will get married at some point. "look out in the church news--it'll be a front page story." as someone who is always thinking about being single for longer than usual, i was intrigued. she didn't know when or how, but she was certain.

she also answered questions, some of which (predictably) were about dating and marriage. one of the questions asked about why men can be sealed to more than one woman, but women can't. sister dew answered in an interesting way. she said that, in her position, it is almost a 100% probability that she will marry someone who has been married before. this would be an interesting position to be in, and she said she wasn't completely sure how she felt about it, but that she did know that things would work out the way they should.

this is, as i've said before, one of my mottoes for life and dating. i don;t know why things do or don't happen, why some guys don't call, or why some girls don't call for that matter (i don't want to place all the blame on the guys, though i do have some choice words for a select group of them.). but, as with any challenge in life, worrying too much about it is a sign of too little faith. how many times will i need to learn that?

meredith and i were talking a few days ago about parameters we or others sometimes put on our prospective or future suitors. like, i've known people in the past who had a very specific "type" from which he or she would not depart, at least not willingly. and i know of other people who want a husband who can provide a certain type of lifestyle or who will conform to a certain rigid schedule. i like to think that i don't have those kids of parameters myself, but what about the guys i dismiss outright, without getting to know them at all? this is one of the most difficult parts of dating to navigate is that there is no possible way we can "get to know" everyone in the dating pool, especially in provo, but what if we are passing up good things like that?

i rather think that dating would be a mite easier if there weren't so many "options." maybe guys and girls alike would be less flaky and people would do more than just hang out. will the world ever know?

in other news, i just figured out how to make collages in picasa, so look forward to a lot more of these little babies!

ward talent show

tonight was our ward talent show. i haven't been to one of those for a couple semesters, and i forgot how thoroughly entertaining they are. some highlights: female roommates engaged in post-date breakdown, performed in true shakespearean fashion; a couple amazing hip-hop routines (one jazz-based, one tap-based); and, my personal favorite, one of those awesome upside-down-chin-singing acts, sung to a javert-valjean selection from les miserables. those things are always hilarious--bravo, dan and david.

i wanted to write about the talent show when i thought that a girl in our ward was going to get engaged right in front of our eyes. her roommates told her to come up on stage as their "special guest," then they went offstage for a second. instead of the roommates, though, her boyfriend came out, holding a guitar and wearing a tuxedo. oh man, we were thinking, this girl's getting engaged! he said some cute things to her and sang a really cute song, and all along we're like, this is leading to a proposal, right? i mean, if he doesn't propose at the end of this, i am going to be really bummed. and i was getting really anxious for her and a little teary because the song was pretty cute (although i think i would be horribly embarrassed/awkward in the same situation). the song ended...and it looked like he wanted to do something else.

but then they just stood up and kissed in front of all of us and that was it.

and we were like, huh? what just happened there?

so before the disappointment, when i still thought something awesome was going to happen, i was thinking to myself, this will be a sweet story for the blog, especially during love week. after the disappointment, i guess i still wanted to share it, since it still is a demonstration of love. and i'm sure someone else i know will get engaged this week :)

because it is love week, after all.

amen to that

i've thought a lot about this lately. i think the fairy tale ideal says that love is firecrackers--that it is so intense and explosive and quick-burning that there is nothing else you can think about. maybe for some people it is like this. but i also wonder if sometimes, while i am expecting this firework kind of love, i'm missing out on the soft, slow-burning stuff, the love that slowly and imperceptibly builds and builds, that is also actually really great, too. i wonder if i get caught up in the romantic comedy type of love and forget that that is not always reality.

on a somewhat related note, i was talking to someone the other day about (what else?) dating, and she said that she never expected to be the one that would have to chase the guy. having almost always been someone in that same position, i could relate. it wold be nice if the guy was chasing you and you knew for sure that he was all in it. but i've been thinking: does it really matter the details of the courtship/how things unfold as long as it all has the same result, meaning, for us young single adults, temple marriage? i have to believe that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter whether it took you guys six months to actually start dating or whether you were more interested in him at first than he was in you or whether your first kiss was awkward or whatever. if the end is true, committed, deep love, i feel like it doesn't matter a whole lot how you got there. i think too much of my time is spent worrying about how the dating stuff happens, "the game", if you will, when i'm becoming less and less sure that that stuff is really of much consequence at all. i'm not sure if that last sentence made much sense, but i don't really care at this point. :)

so those are my thoughts on love for today. doesn't that soft love just sound really nice?

"all my little peccadillos"

this weekend i watched good will hunting, without all the swears that i found out were in the movie when i was looking up quotes for this post. the editing made it a little choppy, though i am told that the cinematography is kinda choppy anyway.

but anyway. i liked the movie, especially some of its thoughts on love. i mean, when am i ever not thinking about love? so it makes sense that those parts of the movie stood out to me.

here's the gist: will (matt damon), a foster kid from the slums of boston, is a janitor at MIT who is secretly a genius. he catches the attention of a prominent mathematician who decides to mentor will in order to keep him out of prison. part of the deal is that will also has to meet with a counselor to work through some of his issues.

sean (robin williams), his therapist, comes from a similar background and is able to build trust with will. like i said, the best parts for me were those where sean and will talk about relationships. here's a discussion that i really like.

Sean: You'll have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to. Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep. [they laugh] Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like "oh was that you?" I'd say yeah...I didn't have the heart to tell her...[cracks up] Oh [sheesh]... 
Will: [laughing hysterically] She woke herself up? 
Sean: [in hysterics himself] Yes!.... Oh [goodness]....aahhh, but, Will, she's been dead two years and that's the [stuff] I remember. [Will stops laughing] Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too; she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they're not — aw that's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're findin' out that one is by givin' it a shot. You certainly won't learn from an old [crazy] like me. Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell a [kid] like you.

first, apparently that first part was totally improvised by robin williams, so the hysterical laughter is legit, not just really good acting. but also, this is exactly what i believe about relationships. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. i want to be in a passionate relationship someday, the kind you see in romantic movies. but, i also know that that kind of passion doesn't necessarily define a marital relationship, especially after the first few years. then, the passion hopefully becomes something deeper, and that's something that i don't fully understand now. i think that initial spark is important, but what's maybe more important is the life you build together in the years to come. i think that's what sean is talking about here, partly. getting to know each other, quirks and imperfections and idiosyncrasies and all, and still being so in love, is what i want to get to.

and i love those bolded lines sosososososo much. none of us are perfect! but that's not the point; it's about being perfect for each other. man, i really love that. i know this is only a movie, but i really believe that's how it's supposed to work, how it can work.

so those are my thoughts on good will hunting, one of the movies to cross off on my list of must-sees. next up: finding forrester and a few good men.

where are the good guys?

i don't profess to know everything about dating or to be any kind of an expert, but i have observed a lot in my dating years. after being in provo almost seven years, it would be almost impossible to not observe a whole bunch of dating shenanigans.

one of the things i have wondered through the years is whether there really are awesome guys out there, guys who know what they want to do or who know how to treat women or who understand what is really important in life. there are so many men around who don't seem to know that, like the ones who are more concerned about making a friendship weird than trying to cultivate what could be a real relationship. or the ones who just go around having random hook-ups and call it "dating." this is not to say that there aren't also girls who don't really seem to know what it's all about. and. another disclaimer, i know not everyone is so focused on dating and marriage. some people are super focused on school, which isn't bad. but there comes a time, maybe when you're in your mid-20s or so, when you should probably start thinking seriously about settling down and acting/being spouse-worthy.

last week, one of my friends shared something with me that showed me, once again (he actually does this fairly often), that there are good guys in this world. i hope they really aren't as much of the exception to the rule as i sometimes think, because we need some great guys these days, for a whole host of reasons. anyway, so this friend was at the aforementioned stake dance. he, like most people, went mostly for social reasons: to scope out the cute girls. he realized, though, as he noticed several girls sitting on the sidelines all night, not getting asked to dance, that this was a somewhat misguided purpose. he realized that, as a good Christian man, he could be doing more. he resolved to ask those girls to dance and rethink his reasons for going to activities. clearly, going to a stake dance to meet people and have fun is not a bad thing. but is it the best thing? my friend saw that there were some needs that he could help fill. as a girl who has been there, has been the one who doesn't get asked to dance, this feels especially important.

i guess my point is that my faith in guys has been restored. sometimes it feels like there are no jim halperts out there, no really good guys who do things the right way and know what they want and treat people right. but i know there are. and as someone who's trying to be a good girl, i know there's a good guy out there for me.

bonus picture of john krasinski as jim. isn't that just a good-guy face?

on embracing your weirdness

i've had several conversations with people about this lately, and i feel like i can finally contribute something to my blog.

i always thought that, if i wasn't successful in dating, which i have to admit has been the case for basically all of my adult life, that meant there was something wrong with me, something that i needed to change about myself. when i say change here, i mean change some of my personality traits, like i thought maybe i needed to be different, be more flirty or laugh less loudly or like different things. i believed that there must be something about me that was holding me back.

as i've gotten older, i've gotten away from that, at least when i think about myself and dating. i've come to believe that it is more a matter of timing than of having to change yourself in order to be more "dateable." i realized that i don't need to try to be anyone else when i'm actually pretty awesome in my own right. now i just need to find the guy who also thinks that.

but it recently came to my attention that i still apply my former flawed logic, that not dating means you need to change something about your personality, to other people. i know a couple people who are very awkward, to the point that it is sometimes hard to be around them. and all this time i've been thinking that, if only they could get over that and be different, change something that is such an inherent part of them, they'd be so great and people would for sure want to date them. and how lame is that of me? i remembered, again, that it's all about timing, finding the right person at the right time. so, that guy who bugs me--i need to remember that he's not for me, and that's okay, but there is someone out there who will love all of him and embrace all of that stuff that drives me crazy.

my comrades (the people i talked to about this issue) and i did decide, though, that there is something to be said for bettering yourself. we hear about aligning our lives with that of the Savior, and that is where self-improvement takes place. there might not be one ideal personality, but there is one true way to live your life. we can always be working to develop the attributes that are embodied in Jesus Christ. as one of my friends put it, the change is principle-based rather than trait-based. i know one person who had a reputation for being kind of mean and cold, and i think this person realized that was holding him or her back from being really happy. so, this person consciously worked to become more positive and friendly. and the change was amazing. i don't know for sure, but i think this person really did get happier and, to a degree, more successful in dating, or at least more confident that everything works out eventually.

to sum up: i'm not going to expect people to change their personalities anymore, and i'm going to keep reminding myself that there will be someone someday who is willing to accept all my weird things. that's one of my worries, too, that guys will think my weird things are too weird and won't be able to get over that i don't drink juice or that i can't even look at snakes. but that's dumb, because there is someone for everyone, no matter how trite that sounds. and, i'm going to keep doing the things i can to become more like Christ--the only way to be truly happy, with or without a man.

i'll end this with one of my favorite quotes. i can't remember if i've posted it before or not, but it's too perfect for this subject to not share again.

that dr. seuss, he really knew what he was talking about.

still thinking about love

let's just say that love and relationships have been on my mind in recent days.

okay, let's just say that love and relationships have been on my mind in recent years. who am i trying to kid?

but the conversations around these parts have focused even more on the nuances and challenges of love within the past week or so, which means there is even more opportunity for me to reflect on such matters. here are some of my observations, some of which i knew before but have just hit home again:

it's all about the timing. this is true whether you are currently between relationships, currently in a relationship, or have never been in a relationship. sometimes people are totally right for each other, but the timing just isn't right yet. sometimes all the stars need to align in just the right order for you to find the one person who will make you completely and incandescently happy for eternity--right place, right time, right version of yourself.

communication is key. i, for the most part, am terrified of confrontation. last week i was going to ask someone a question, not even about me, that would have put both of us in kind of an awkward situation depending on the answer, and i was paralyzed by anxiety. that stuff freaks me out. but, in order for relationships to be healthy, you have to address hard issues or things that just plain bug you. i know from experience that bottling things up and letting them fester never leads to a good outcome. in fact, it often leads to hurt feelings or, at the worst, broken/ruined relationships, which isn't really the legacy i want to be leaving. so, it's important to buck up and face the issues head on. we blow things out of proportion in our minds; they are almost never as severe as we have built them up to be. open discussion of feelings and perceptions, though difficult, is absolutely necessary.

some guys give insightful, useful advice about love and relationships. some guys don't. maybe this says more about me and the kind of guy i want to end up with (meaning, maybe the guys who give the most insightful advice are the ones i should be focusing my attentions on...). but i'm learning how valuable it can be to have guy friends who take these sorts of things seriously and who genuinely care about making things a little easier for girls. i mean, i feel the same way about guys--it's hard enough to find someone you can be with forever without factoring in that we think about things in completely different ways. we might as well help each other out!

we're probably all a little bit screwed up. we could all probably use some good heart-to-hearts about our feelings and insecurities and anxieties every so often. this might even include some tears. or many, many tears.

the more i think about it, the more it makes sense to date your friends. i've never believed in the limiting influence of the friend zone, and i discredit it even more now. why wouldn't you want to marry somebody with whom you already know you want to be on a daily basis? someone who is cool enough to go with you to a haunted insane asylum on friday the 13th (this is purely hypothetical...)? someone who knew you better than anyone else before you added the pressure of a romantic relationship? date your friends--if you don't marry one of them, you're not going to be friends with them for long anyway. you don't hang out with people of the opposite sex once you're married, because that's not cool. why risk your eternal relationship for one that might not last another year anyway?

you gotta have faith. enough said.

and, finally, even though love hurts, love bites, love is cruel, love is worth it. what's not worth it is being afraid to get hurt and so not taking risks and not being patient and not trusting in THE PLAN and not being happy.

that's what i think anyway.

a toast to long courtships

i know a couple who has been dating for roughly nine months. they are pretty great together, at least from what i have seen. i fully expect them to get engaged. well, i wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if they did get engaged.

but here's the thing: they aren't engaged yet.

i respect this. i think that, for some people, it is possible to start dating, get engaged, and get married in a short amount of time. it happens a lot, in mormon/provo culture at least, and i think (i hope) it works out more times than it doesn't. but, i also think that there are many people who jump too quickly into a level of seriousness in relationships without knowing each other all that well.

i'm sure many of us have heard the adage "long courtship, short engagement." there is wisdom in this for several reasons, but the part i have been thinking about (obviously) is the long courtship. i for one too often expect that things can get moving with a guy in a really short time, like i can meet someone, date them, and get engaged in just a couple months. this is partly because i am impatient and would love to be married. and the possibility still exists that something could happen that quickly.

a long courtship, if that's the way it happens, just makes sense to me, though. how could you suffer from finding out more about your boyfriend or seeing him in a bunch of different situations? yes, you might find out or observe things you are not okay with, but figuring those things out before making a big, eternal decision will make your eternity decidedly better, in my opinion. you might also find out or observe things that make you fall further in love, which is awesome. so, win win for long courtship.

as i said, it happens differently for different people. i've talked to some who "just knew" after a few days or weeks that they were meant to be together. others, though, needed a lot longer before they were ready to be wed forever and ever.

so, to that couple who is still dating (and facebook confirms that they are still dating and are not officially engaged, as of a couple minutes ago), i salute you. and here's hoping that, when the time comes, i will be absolutely sure that that guy is the one i want to be wed to forever and ever.

thought of the day

it's amazing how some unexpected surprise can turn your whole day around. my day wasn't even going badly, but it's like a million bajillion times better now.

i was going to try and make some deep and insightful connection, but sometimes that just feels pretentious, you know?

but i will say this (about my day, not necessarily about how surprises are awesome): i am so grateful for awesome students. i love teaching anyway, but it's so much more fun when the students are eager to learn and fun to be around.

hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that.

and, i'm kind of digging the random summer thunderstorm happening right now.

happy wednesday. have some flowers :)

tulips are kind of my favorite

so every year around this time i freak out and insist on going to one of the places where i can see and then photograph beautiful tulips. i used to work on temple square, so i know how gorgeous the temple square tulips are the last couple weeks of april and the beginning of may. they are only out for so long because there is no way temple square is going to display wilting tulips. luckily i went this year before they were gone.

seriously, i love them so much. i made bergen go with me while i just walked around trying to be artsy and mooning over the flowers. i want to either get married or take all the associated pictures around this time of year so i can have tulips and daffodils in them.

without further ado, here are some of the pictures i took last saturday at temple square. it's one of the little things i love about life here in utah and one of the highlights of my year. nothing quite compares to the beauty of thousands and thousands of perfect tulips surrounding my favorite temple.

give a little listen. please. for your own good.

severely underappreciated, people. just give them a chance.

the office: a belated ode

the office...i'm just not sure what to say about it, except that i love it. a lot. i own every season on dvd, i've watched every episode multiple times, i can tell you the name and season from which any scene occurs (for the most part--now somebody's going to want to test me and i'll get one wrong or something). over the past few years, the office has become a huge part of my life, pathetic and weird as that may sound.

seriously, though. if i meet someone who doesn't really like or know the office, i always feel like there is some thing that is holding us back from being really great friends. on the other hand, i feel a kinship toward people who do love and know the office--it becomes something we can bond over. things happen everyday that remind me of something from the office, and if i can't just lean over to the person i'm with and say, hey, haha, remember that thing on the office? this is just like that., i lose something. i sound like i'm being way too serious about it. but anyway.

this last thursday marked steve carell's last episode. while it wasn't as funny as i was expecting it to be, it was still moving and sad. i don't know how it will be without michael scott, but i do know i will keep watching as long as the office is still on the air. after all the years of laughter and tears, i feel i owe it that much.

so, i publish this at the risk of being mocked by those who don't have the same kinds of connections to tv shows or to the office. but i can't deny it. lobe yoy long time, the office.

a modern fairytale, as they're calling it 'round these parts

so, yesterday was the royal wedding. it was incredible. kate looked amazing: her dress was perfect, her makeup flawless, her manner dignified and graceful. she was gorgeous. prince william's deep voice really surprised me. i guess i hadn't heard him speak in a while maybe ever. he looked great too. and don't get me started on harry--totally dreamy.

yeah, so the wedding itself was beautiful and monumental and all i could think about was how cool it will be to watch them as a couple for the rest of their lives (creepy? probably. but i'm sure everyone else was thinking that too.) but the thing that really struck me as i was watching the wedding and all the post-coverage shows with barbara walters/katie couric/clinton kelly from what not to wear/ivana trump (?) was how much william and kate look like they genuinely love each other. the best parts were when they forgot about decorum for a second or two and would just grin at each other. it was so adorable! all those shows had "analysts" like expert lip readers and body language interpreters to tell us that all signs pointed to the two of them loving each other, but it was pretty obvious even without all that "training."

all little girls (for the most part. i won't make a gross generalization here) dream about being a princess, so part of the appeal of the wedding was watching somebody actually become a real life princess and marry her prince charming and have a fairytale wedding. i mean, in some way, that still speaks to me. but, in reality, the fairytale wedding isn't what matters to me. i want to find someone who loves and respects me, someone i can see myself being with for eternity, someone who is okay seeing me without makeup, someone who i can laugh with and cry with and cuddle with and live with without killing each other.

the wedding was amazing. people lined the streets, camping out for days, to catch a glimpse of the bride or the happy couple. really, though, how could you not be so happy for them? they seemed so radiant. if that's not legit, i don't know what is. but anyway, what really made it a fairytale for me was seeing how much they really love each other. that's what i want, and i think we can all have that. i'm not going to give up hope any time soon, even if sometimes i want to. i think there's a fairytale in store for all of the princesses in the world :)

and just because i love them and love this scene:

things that make me ridiculously happy

done with everything but grading. feels good. halfway through!